Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Call it by another name,


Beginning on April 4:

-Wilfried Merki at (return mail just says "Have a business suggestion for you Please if you are capable of maintaining confidentiality and standing as the next of Kin to a late partner please do get bck to me so i could give you more details"

Well, there goes confidentiality... :-) has a 3% loan opportunity for me, if I'll only click on the handy link... hmm... anyone got some bug spray?

-Mrs Malak Ali at (return mail says that she has a bank transaction that she needs a foreigner to transact, and she'll give me 30% of $6.2 Million dollars if I'll help her: " by indicating your interest on assurance of trust, i will send you the full details and how this business will be executed.

Please keep this proposal as a top secret between both of us because the secret of this transaction is as well as the success of it, and if you are really sure of your integrity, trustworthy and confidentiality reply back to me immediately to prove your integrity, And if you are not interested about this business delete it immediately in your email box.

I will be looking forward for your urgent response

Regards, in sincerity,
Mrs Malak Ali. (BOA)
My private contact number: +22674861084.

...Guess what! I'm not interested! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! (Wait, that sounds a bit like Dr Bronner...)

-Mr LAMIDO SANUSI at (return mail writes to tell me that his bank has some part of $10 Million in an unclaimed fund for me, but: "yesterday two foreigners (Mr. Tim Parker and Mr. Rowland Gulf) visited my office in your stead to inform me that they are your Representatives from United State,whom you send to collecting your Funds for you. We in this Bank do not understand why you sent these men to come and Collect your Funds on your behalf. If actually you want them to help you Collect your Inheritance Bill Sum,at least you should have informed me as the Executive Governor of this Bank. They actually tendered some Vital Documents which Proved that you actually sent them for the Collection of this Funds. Honestly, it really baffles me that you took such decision without my consent. Here are the Document which they tender to this Bank today:1. LETTER OF ADMINISTRATION.2. HIGH COURT INJUNCTION.3. ORDER TO RELEASE.Actually, these Documents which they tendered to this Noble Bank is a clear Proof that you sent them to Collect this Funds for you. Finally,I told them to come back tomorrow morning and they promised to come back.As the Governor of this Noble Bank, I was supposed to Release this Funds to them but I refused to do so because I wanted to hear from you first.Due to the Nature of my job, I will not want to make any mistake in Releasing this Funds to anyone except you whom is the Recognized Bonafide Beneficiary to this Funds.Kindly clarify us on this issue before we make this Payment to these foreigners whom came on your behalf. In receipt of this confidential Letter, you are required to email this Bank immediately you receive this Confidential Letter.OFFICIALLY SIGNED.MR LAMIDO SANUSI.GOVERNOR CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA

Ah, so Mr Vito and Mr Guido did not convince you, hmm Mr Lamido? Ah, dose kneecaps look so purty... would hate for sumfin ta happen to them...

-Helen Williams at writes saying that she is Mrs Sarah Henson, a widow dying of cancer, and she has a charitable offer worth 22 million pounds. I just have to write her by clicking the linky... looks legit, right?

-I might have won money in a lotto draw, according to They'll be drawing on April 7th. Oh, I'm so excited! I can hardly wai- er... I guess I didn't win. :-(

-Oh dear! Mrs Tracy Williams at (return mail is dying of cancer and has just pots of money! "I am a dying woman who have decided to donate this money to a reliable individual that will use this US$10.5M[Ten Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollar] to build orphanage home,help the poor and less privilege." I just have to contact her, at yet another email address, to set this up. But hurry, because she's having another surgery and she's not expected to survive!

Well, bollocks. I let it sit in my inbox and now it's probably too late. *snif!* Those poor and less privilege! Well, maybe Mitt Romney will help them out?

April 5:

-Oh my! Mr Lamido Sanusi again! This time writing from (return mail, and he says "Attention beneficiary, this is to notify you that your diplomat JOHN BENARD has now arrive with your cash consignment box loaded with $usd1.5m at John .F.Kennedy international airport new york city, United State of America from Dr.sanusi lamido the Executive Governor of Central Bank of Nigeria.Contact him now with your full Name home and address also your valid phone number through his email ( for the release of your fund and also to give you more details about your fund.


Wow! At JFK! I suppose Annie or Phil could go pick it up for me, right? Poor John Benard. He's only been sitting there in Arrivals for two weeks. Maybe they should take him a sammich.

-Mr John Williams at says that thanks to my diligence, he has that money for me! "I have left a certified international bank draft for you worth of (USD$1.800,000) cashable anywhere in the world for your compensation. Contact: Ms. VIVIAN OBASI my secretary in Nigeria. Her email address is: Therefore you should send her your full Name... and telephone number.../your current address... where you want her to send the draft to you. Presently I'm in INDIA for investment projects,Thanks and God bless you. (Senate President) JOHN E WILLIAMS."

If I've helped him diligently, doesn't he already have my name?

-Reginard Adams of Millvahills Madson Land Pack UK at (return mail has a bank draft of $800,000 waiting for me in a FedEx office in West Africa. I just have to pay some fees, etc... Cool. Just take it out of that check, will you Reg?

-MRS. MANUELA JOHNSON. (DIRECTOR OF ONLINE LOTTO AND GAMING CORPORATION) informs me AGAIN that my email was drawn to WIN WIN WIN! I have until April 20 to claim it. That is, if I keep it confidential.

No big party? Dang.

April 6:

-Mr. Hyo Keun Lee writes from (return mail is a humble Korean oil man who left Libya (keep up with me here) for my country. "I have US$3,000.000 ( Three Million United States Dollars) for investment purpose. I want you to receive this fund on my behalf and invest on a profitable business venture on an agreed terms. If you are interested I will offer you 35% of US$3,000.000. please get back to me with the following details.
A. A Beneficiary name and contact address, in order for me to prepare the document for transfer of the funds in your name.
B. Direct Telephone.
C. Age and occupation."

Dude, NOBODY gets my age that easy... claims to be the FBI in Washington DC (hey, there might be more than one!) and they're informing me that I won the lotto! They just need $96 for some fees, and I should "CONTACT AGENT NAME: Mr Henry Ben
PHONE NUMBER: +22996499818

You will be required to e-mail him with the following information:


In Italy? At that number?
. . . maybe I'll ask J. Edgar. I'll have to dig him up first of course...

-Mirian Awad at (return mail wants to be very good friends! Would I please send her a picture! How about I send her the same picture on my Facebook, yes?

-Well, Barrister Chong Ng Lee at (return mail Has some money left in a bank account by someone with my last name, and he wants to give it to me as next of kin. Really? And not my ex? I would think he's nexter of kin...

-Mr Louis at (return mail claims to be Sir.Paschal Ed Coordinator Online Promo Programmed at UK NATIONAL FREELOTTO INC, and is happy to tell me that I've won 850,000 Pounds, and would I please contact Mrs Elaine for details. Right. I'll also ask her why no one in their office can write the Queen's English properly?

April 7: has a business offer worth $30.5M. Short and sweet. And the answer is still no.

-Hubba hubba! Janet at says "Hellooooo

It is a pleasure to fond your profile on the web that seemed interesting so I decided to know more by sending you a message.I'm Janet McDavis a brilliant lady, full of emotion.

I love people for who they are and not for what they are not.So here is my personal profile if you wish.

Name: Janet McDavis


Height: 174 cm 5 '6?

Weight: 60 kg 148 pounds

Size: 24 "

Eyes: blue

Hair: blonde



Language: English and French



Admin, eh? Hope you're not in proofreading.

-Mr. Ibrahim Lamorde at (return mail says I've been scammed! Oh no! But he adds: "This mail is been directed to you because your email address was found in one of the scam Artists file and computer hard disk in our custody here in Nigeria. You are therefore being compensated with $2.5 Million Dollars. Who claims that they are barristers/bank officials Lottery Agents who has money for transfer or want you to be the next of kin of such funds which do not exist.

Since your name appeared among the beneficiaries who will receive a compensation of $2.5 Million we have arranged your payment through our swift card payment center, Feel free to contact the processing officer Mr. Mark D Law the swift card has been specially prepared to enable you withdraw your money in any ATM machine in any part of the world, but the maximum is Five Thousand Dollars Only per day."

I just have to send them a bunch of personal information- including PINs, and of course a fee to release the ATM card.

Let me guess- the 'you've been scammed' was precog, and not a statement of fact?

Enough for tonight. More of this exciting stuff later!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Some musings on fertility and the 'place' of women-

I was just browsing through a bunch of photos of various historical 'fertility objects' when it struck me how so many of them had malformed or completely unformed faces. Sexual characteristics are in full display- huge breasts, small waists, wide hips, and occasionally lewdly displayed pudenda. Yet so many are faceless. Even headless. It's really eerie.

In a tribal, primitive society, thousands of years ago, representing women without faces might not have seemed strange. Their role was to produce and nurture children. There really was no place for them outside of it. They were merely vehicles, vessels. What did they need faces for?

I'm not sure that things have changed that much. Earlier last week Mitt Romney, heir presumptive to the GOP throne, was huffily defending his wife after a Democratic operative suggested that his wife, Ann, knows nothing about today's women because she's never worked a day in her life. Well, the op was likely right, though she went about it the wrong way. However, Mitt's response was to say that his wife worked very hard raising their family, and that he thought that we should honor women who make the choice to stay home with their children.


He turned around only a day or two later and said (I'm heavily paraphrasing here- I just finished a rather strong beer) that poor mothers should get up off their fat asses and go to work and that the children of those who don't will grow up to be lazy pigs.

Or maybe I'm not so heavily paraphrasing...

It seems that respecting the 'choice' to stay home only applies if you are wealthy. If you are poor- too bad.

Which brings us to my next point. Pull back the curtain and TA-DA! "The status of women is directly related to their degree of control over their fertility."

All things being equal, the #1 factor affecting economic security in a woman's life is her age and marital status when her first child is born. Her ability to postpone that event until she is done with her education, has established a career, and has a social/familial base to raise a child in (face it- guys don't always stick around), makes all the difference in her life for the next couple of decades. And in that of her child too- having a stable home and enough to eat matters a lot!

Being able to postpone or prevent a pregnancy is paramount in this. Not being able to prevent a pregnancy means that any time a woman has sex, consensual or not, she runs the risk of changing the path of her life and the choices she's offered in it. And if she doesn't want a child, and gets pregnant, well, I can offer you a choice of ketchup or mustard to go with it, but a shit sandwich is still full of it...

So, one might think that contraceptives would be pretty high on anyone's list, even if only for the purpose of raising the socio-economic levels of the children of our society. Well, you might be wrong.

"I don't think it works. I think it's harmful to women. I think it's harmful to our society to have a society that says that sex outside of marriage is something that should be encouraged or tolerated, particularly among the young. And I think we've very, very harmful longterm consequences to our society. Birth control to me enables that, and I don't think it's a healthy thing for our country."

"The whole sexual libertine idea; many in the Christian faith have said, well, that’s OK, contraception is OK. It’s not OK, because it’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be."

Both of these came out of the mouth of Rick Santorum, former presidential candidate. He apparently thinks that controlling their own bodies is harmful to women, that timing their pregnancies hurts our society, AND THAT ANYTHING BUT PROCREATIVE SEX IS WRONG.

If that's the case, then God need only have made it simple instinct, like the animals. Only get the urge when the time is right, yes? But he didn't. He made it fun. Which tells me that it was meant to be recreational as well as re-creational. So Mr Santorum can go pee up a rope.

Things is, women are more than the sum of their parts. We're more than our lady bits, and we're more than our brains. Yeah- brains. We've got some of those too, and I'd guess that we wouldn't have them if God didn't think they were necessary...

We're not hunter-gatherers anymore. We have brains. AND WE HAVE FACES. And we aren't going back.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Spamitty spam!

So it's time to clean out the old mailbox! And what to we have here? A great deal of spiced meat product!

on March 28-

-two pleas for 'assistance' from Mr Kim Wong at (return mail at in Malaysia, with a novel offer. Apparently Mr Kim Wong is an artist in the textiles industry, and has a good business going, but finds that Americans always want to pay him in cash or checks (!) and he has difficulty with this, and wonders if I'm be interested in a business opportunity of cashing checks and then sending him money orders...

Odd. Isn't that called money laundering? Think I'll pass.

-A Mr Gregg Isaac at (return mail at has for me a " PAYMENT OF ($5,8M) TWO MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS THROUGH SWIFT CARD PAYMENT CENTER ASIA PACIFIC", via ATM card. After, of course, I send them a bunch of information, including my NAME... funny, if they have this money for me, how can it be that they don't have my full name?

-Mr Morris Campos at (return mail has a similar offer for me, but this time the "ATM Card worth of $1.3m has less than Seven days to expire"! He has helpfully paid some fees to keep it from expiring so far, and would I please recompense him for them? As soon as I do that he'll see to it that the card is sent to me. Of course he does need some information, such as my NAME... uh, maybe not.

-Mrs Liza Wong at, who is still holding $8.5 million from the estate of "a billionaire Business Mogul Late Mr. Moises Saba Masri, a Jew
from Mexico who was a victim of a helicopter crash since 2006 year" (Since? You mean it's still crashing? Oh my!) and she's willing to share it 60/40. of course, I need to provide a deposit for the transaction process, and they need my NAME...

March 29-

-An Interpol agent (!!!) named Scott Iverson, at (He has the worst grammar I've ever seen from an Interpol representative.) Apparently something has happened with IMF debt relief, and someone is holding $6.5 million dollars for me. (That would certainly relieve a lot of my debt! It might even cover my student loans!) They money is being held in HSBC Bank (odd, that's who Liza Wong works for. I wonder if she knows anything about this?) but "Meanwhile those people that you have been dealing with are not from the right office, they are only using you to make money for their own benefit. You are therefore warned to stop any further communication with whosoever that you have been dealing with." Ahh... I see... and of course, he needs some information, including my NAME...

-Brigadier General Nana Tennyson at (return mail says that some smugglers were caught with some lotto funds that were supposed to have gone to me, but were being stolen by them. Apparently my name was on the labels. All I have to do to have these funds released to me is to provide them with some information, including my NAME...

-Larisa Sosnitskaya at (return mail needs help with "partnership in re-profiling funds in the amount of US$46 Million" that may or may not have been legally appropriated from the Yukos Oil Company in Russia. All I have to do is open an account with their offshore bank, and then they will let me 20% of the money they move through it. Great deal, right? Oh, and Please keep this confidential as we cannot afford more political problems.


Well, it seems that they don't have my NAME, so I ok, right?

-Mrs Helena Johnson at writes to tell me that somehow there is a package waiting for me at a FedEx in West Africa. They say they didn't open it, but were told that it contains a bank draft worth $750,000.00. They'll be happy to ship it, but I have to pay various and sundry fees and charges involved. And of course I have to provide them with some information, including my NAME...

March 30-

-Wow! An email from (return mail says: "Congratulation for your name were among the list to be paid us$6,220,550 compensation payment.View this website to know more about me: will tell you what to do to receive your payment without further delays immediately i hear from you."

You know, it warms my heart to see that so many people in Africa know my name and want to give me money. If only that happened here!

March 31- says that my email account has exceeded the storage limit, and I needed to go to this website (not repeating the URL here, as I'm not entirely stupid) to reactivate it. Well, I might fall for that if I had an email account at RSU, but I don't. And I download stuff from the server, so it would be hard to exceed storage anyway. Come to think of it, how would going to a website change the storage limit?

-Raymond Taylor at (return mail sent me a densely-packed email with no paragraph breaks. Very hard to read. (I HATES DEM, I DOES.) He claims to be the son of Charles Taylor, who was caught trying to leave Nigeria. Raymond has some $600 Million dollars he needs to get out of the country, and would I please help him? Gosh, he didn't ask for my name. Maybe I should write him back?

April 1-

-Yay! I won the Yahoo Lottery! I got mail from the Vice President of the Yahoo! Lotto Org., at (return mail saying that I'd been chosen from among a number of international emails to win one million dollars! They have my numbers- Ticket number.....................154-12872774-09
Serial number.......................21370-7
Lucky number...................27-50-23-94-66-40
Ref number...................Y.TILB/6362362114/26

but they need info from me, such as my sex and marital status, occupation, NAME... Hey, if they have my email from something I sent, they have my name already...

-Poor Raymond Taylor is still begging for my help...

-Mrs Kim James at has some really great online loans for me. Looks legit. Just one question- if you don't pay up, do they break your keyboard?

-WOW!!! I got mail from the Secretary-General of the United Nations, at (return mail and he says that my name came up on a list of contractors in West Africa (but of course!) and they have $2.5 Million dollars waiting for me! But wait- there's more! "However, it is our pleasure to inform you that your ATM Card Number; 5428 0500 1100 4432 has been approved and upgraded in your favour. Your pin number is: 2020."

Great. Just great, dude. Give away the bank, willya?

Oh, and he needed my name too...

April 2-

-from comes a message from Richard J. Reagan (return mail who tells me that they are working to privatize the four (four?) International Airports in Nigeria, and in the process they need to move US$48,231,000 out of the country. Would I please help? They'll give me 30% of it, out of the goodness of their hearts. All they need is: (1)Your company name and full addresses, Telephone and Fax Number (2)Your bank's name, Address, phone and fax number, Account name and Account Number, also your Bank Swift Code, IBAN or ABA Numbers.

Right. And do you have some oceanfront property in Arizona? I think I'll be needing some of that too!

-Oh, Poor Princess Fatima in Libya, still needing my help! Guess she'll have to wait some more.

-Dr Abiola Richard, at (return mail, who has an unclaimed inheritance fund left by an American named John Richardson. He's figured out how to claim it, and will split it 55/45 with me if I'll help him. All he needs is my:


What's a 'routine' number? Is that like a bad habit?

April 3-

-SHELL FEDERAL CREDIT UNION at (return mail has great loan offers! I'll pass- they smell like sharks. Or seafood of some sort at least.

-from comes a plea for help, from Ghana. It seems that he lost a reelection bit for his senate seat, and needs help getting $19,500,000 out of the country... he provided a weblink for me to go to for more information (for this 'private and sensitive transaction' that he needed to do through a foreigner so it couldn't be traced- and he sets up a weblink?). I'd bet he wants my name there...

-The United Nations Investigations Office writes from (return mail "Dear Funds Beneficiary

I am Mrs Joan Melvin by name, a United Nations senior investigation officer. The UN Director has instructed me to investigate your inheritance contract sum of $2.5 million united states dollars that you were supposed to have received on the 15th of Nov, 2011.

The affiliated paying bank is HSBC BANK and from my findings, i was convinced that your wire transfer did not get to you due to the corrupt officers at the paying bank you were dealing with. In fact, it was revealed that you were frustrated by the top officials of the bank, at the end you gave up.

I am here today to inform you that your funds is 100% legitimate. You did not receive your funds because you tried to claim it through the wrong channel/process. The only fee you are legally required to pay before receiving your funds is $480 Usd which is a fee required for your FINAL RELEASE ORDER before your funds could be transferred to you.

You must get back to me immediately by completing the requested information Below:

FULL NAMES: :.........
EMAIL ADDRESS:........."

I have to admit, this was a new one. I wonder if she's talked to the Secretary-General about this?

Must note- they sent me an email requesting my email address. (return mail says that I have won on million Euros from ONLINE LOTTO AND GAMING CORPORATION! I just can't tell anyone about it. Cool. Fine by me. :-)

That's enough for tonight, kiddies. More next time!