Tuesday, April 21, 2020

A foolish little girl- and another spider!

And another try! Storytime!

Monday, April 20, 2020

Just a test... go on with what you were doing...

Just a test- a couple of stories for the grandkids...

Friday, March 22, 2019

And still, life goes on.

I get brief moments, like the one at left, sitting in the hallway at Twelfth Night, where it suddenly all comes together, the clouds part, and rays of light strike me...

Or Miriam gets a good photo of me. :-)

I've been working at trying to be busy, trying to see friends, and do stuff that gets me out of the house. Trying not to mope. Telling myself that I can get over this, and then it won't hurt so much.

Lies never hurt so much as when they're to yourself.

I finally realized a couple of weeks ago that no, I'm not ok. Yeah, I've hit that point where I'm angry, but it's like I'm still bleeding inside, and no amount of band-aid will fix that, even if they are Avengers band-aids.

I think of all of it, the initial shock, bereavement, and sense of betrayal- all of it pales in comparison to that huge, gaping hole in the middle of my life: I've lost my best friend. I no longer have that every day or two talk, the chance to sill emotions, to share things I've seen or thought, to complain, to express worry and say "What do I do? I don't know what to do!" The impulse, dozens of times a day, to share something with him, keeps the wound raw and oozing.

So I talked with Rebecca, and we're going to up my anti-depressant, just a bit, just to get me over the hump. Hopefully spring will help too.

However, my lungs are doing unhappy things again, and I'm back on prednisone. And hoping that Dr Fraley can get this under control before it gets worse. Lung stuff can be terrifying.

Here's to hoping that April is better.

Thursday, February 14, 2019

Better late than...

Has anyone else noticed how the wheels sort of fell off their lives, oh, in early November, 2016?

Yeah, I realize it's been two and a half years since I posted. Things have been happening.

And for good measure, here is a couple of photos of Sam, last summer!

He is absolutely adorable. :-D And a very sweet boy!

The girls are growing too! Would you believe 2nd grade?

And Annie is fighting heavy! And doing very well!

And me? I'm...

Well, it's been mostly bad news. First, St Matthew's closed. We were losing attendees and $ since 2013, and the last year or so made it pretty obvious. We had our last Sunday service in October of 2017, and a celebration with cake and all that November. But the work was far from done. I was Senior Warden (sort of the board chairman), and ended up doing most of the work, which was sort of a combination of coroner and executor. It was horrible. And it took months. But it was close properly and in as orderly a fashion as I could.

My health has continued badly. In 2 years, I've been hospitalized 4 times and had 2 surgeries. Spent some time in a hellhole rehab place (no really- I talked to my OHP caseworker about it, and they ended up taking them off the list of rehab places that OHP will pay for.). The fibro has gotten really bad, and I'm having some serious issues with my back. Finally got a referral to the pain center at OHSU. I'm still wending my way through referrals and such, but I'm hoping that they can do something to take the edge off.

Is anything else seriously stressing me out? Well...

In November, just before my birthday, James announced that he was done, and ended our relationship. It had been 19 years. THIS WAS NOT MY CHOICE. We were having communication difficulties, and I was trying my damnedest to figure out how to solve them. I suggested quite a number of times that we see a counselor, get some translation, try to get on with life. Apparently this was not De Plan in his eyes. So it was BANG! and I'm completely cut off. I don't even know how to live life without him. I've been part of Us for so long, and looked forward to growing older with him, and now I have a gaping hole that I can't even begin to fill, because I can't see the bottom yet.

I'm getting support from family and friends, but it kinda doesn't fix it.

So this is me, 54, and single on Valentine's Day.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Will update again soon...

Much life is happening, and I'm always several step behind, as usual. But I will be back with updates soon!

In the meantime, here's a picture of Sam!

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Back in the saddle again...

Well, I find that I haven’t updated this blog in a year now. I really have no excuse- it is my home page, so I see it often. Sometimes I look at it and feel guuuuuuilt about not updating...

In my defense, I’ve had a really rough year. January of 2015 I somehow ruptured a disc in my neck, and I’ve been in a great deal of pain from that. It took more than 8 months to get OHP to approve physical therapy for it. It helped some, and I got some range of motion back in my arm, but the pain is still there. So I have a constant level of grey over me from that.

In April, 2015, I fell down the stairs at church. It looked as though I broke my leg- it was really, really bad. The staff in ER sent off to orthopedics to get ready to set it. Then the x-rays came back. It wasn’t broken after all- but I had a massive periosteal hematoma. I was in a boot for six weeks (missed Egils because of it), and I still have a really ugly mark on my leg, and a big dent. That was not fun.

Also in April, I had my hair cut. A blunt cut, jaw length, and my natural curl makes it pretty cute. And on Sundays, all I have to do is touch it up with the curling iron, and it is fabulous. I got a bunch of fake hair for SCA events, and that looks nice.

I had kind of come to terms with the pain issues on top of the fibromyalgia, when the doctor sent me for a sleep study, because I was having symptoms that might be narcolepsy. So we did the long study- overnight, and then daytime naps. They didn’t find any obstruction or apnea. But they did find that for some odd reason, my oxygen drops when I’m asleep- like, nearly 15 points. So now I'm on supplemental oxygen at night.

So several tests and doctors later- including a lung biopsy, they determined that i have sarcoidosis. It’s another auto-immune disease (as though fibromyalgia wasn’t enough), and they started me on steroids.

Ten weeks later, I was 25 pounds heavier, stretch marks all over (a new thing for me- I didn’t even get them when I was pregnant!), and highly volatile. We took me off of them, and put me on a different drug (which is making my hair fall out).

Some time around Halloween or Thanksgiving or so, I started having headaches. Really bad ones. Different from anything I’ve ever had. Really bad in the morning, and late at night. Enough to make my vision a bit low. And I’ve developed tinnitus, really bad. It’s 24/7, and pretty loud. And I’ve lost some hearing in the right ear.

After several doctors, a CT scan, and an MRI, they think I have Idiopathic Intercranial Hypertension, also known as Pseudotumor Cerebri. We’re still trying to get me in to Neurology (more OHP fu). Next step is likely a spinal tap.

My life just keeps getting harder and harder. And I feel like it’s shrinking, and I’m losing more and more, until now all I have is my computer and my books.
There are some bright spots though. David has been here for a little more than a year, and just before Christmas, Lydia and the girls came up to join him. They weren’t doing well without Daddy. They’re staying in the basement, and it’s not ideal, but they’re together. He has a (hopefully temporary) job right now, but the pay is just above minimum, and they can’t get an apartment on that. He’s putting in a lot of applications, so hopefully something will come up soon.

The girls are a hoot though. We have artwork all over, and they go to the park a lot, and they watch They Might Be Giants kids’ videos on my computer. I introduced them to Harry Potter, so they watch that too. The first two movies, that is. The third and past that are too scary, and we think they’d have nightmares. I made them nice sturdy wands a couple of weeks ago, so now the adults in the house have to pretend to be petrified or fall down or whatever. I got the a planet mobile that is nearly put together- the planets had to be painted, which was messy, but fun.

Politics has me pretty freaked out right now. Trump scares me- a lot. And his supporters even more so. The violence at his events is terrifying. Currently I’m supporting Bernie, but if Hillary wins the nomination, I’ll support her. I’d vote for a yellow dog over any of the current GOP offerings.

Well, this should do for now. Hopefully, I won’t wait another year before updating again!