Today's Silly List

(snagged from Mahanoy on _Street Prophets_)

Things to Say and Do Guaranteed to Spice up Your Thesis and Dissertation Defenses

1. Begin the defense by charging a cover and checking for ID.

2. Charge a two-drink minimum.

3. Begin with "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem."

4. Follow that with a joke that starts with "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked into a bar..."

5. Bring coffee and charge 25 cents a cup.

6. "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.

7. Describe parts of your dissertation using interpretive dance.

8. Lead your committee members in a Wave.

9. Break the tension at appropriate moments with a sing-a-long.

10. Answer tough queries with "You call THAT a question? How'd you ever get to be a professor?"

11. Have bodyguards outside the room to discourage attendance of certain professors.

12. Present your defense using puppets.

13. Before you begin your presentation, sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.

14. In addition, pass a collection basket.

15. Answer complex issues in mime.

16. Use the ocassion to hold a Tupperware party.

17. Have bikini-clad models in charge of changing your overheads.

18. At approximately the mid-point of your defense bring out maracas and shout "Everybody rumba!!"

19. Explain nonsignificant findings with "It would have worked if it weren't for those f*%ing kids."

20. Refuse to answer tough questions "in protest of our government's systematic and brutal opression of minorities."

21. Offer door prizes and conduct a raffle.

22. Ask professors to "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer."

23. Interrupt every 15 minutes with the announcement "And now, a word from our sponsor."

24. Present critical parts of your defense in iambic pentameter.

25. In your announcement, inform your committee that it will be a black tie affair.

26. Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.

27. Announce to your committee that "There will be a short quiz after my presentation."

28. Bring your pet boa.

29. Bring snacks and start a food fight.

30. Slap your committee chair with a glove and challenge him to a duel.

31. Arrange for a halftime show.

32. Bring a big foam hand that says "I'm #1."

33. Pass out souvenier matchbooks.

34. Hang a pinata over the table and hire a strolling mariachi band.

35. Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question asked.

36. Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.

37. When necessary, say "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'. You're out."

38. Dress in top hat and tails.

39. Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire.

40. If you sense that things are not going well, threaten to detonate a small nuclear device in the room.

41. Show slides of your last vacation.

42. Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.

43. If members of the committee begin to argue among themselves announce: "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."

44. When in trouble, begin speaking in tongues.

45. Answer every question with a question.

46. Hand out 3-D glasses.

47. Announce credits at the end. Include a "key grip" and a "best boy."

48. Make a practice of replying, "Sure, I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you."

49. Ask a friend and conspirator to attend and ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun and "shoot" him. Have him make a great scene of dying. Be sure to include fake blood. Turn to your committee and ask "Other questions?"

50. Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, a clown nose, and nothing else.

51. Install "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs.

52. Use a TelePromTer

53. Alter the clocks in the room and begin your defense 15 minutes before anyone arrives.

(Don't know which one I like best- they're all good- but the Greek Chorus could be really effective, depending on your topic...)