Thursday, January 20, 2011

I haz teh angry...

Ok, first the good stuff: Lydia had her babies, December 1. Anastasia Marie was born first, and was 4 lbs 1 oz. Ilyana Rose was 4 lbs 3 oz. They're beautiful, no problems except that they were small. And they are beautiful. Well, as beautiful as one might be when one looks like Winston Churchill. :-)

The not-so-good stuff is VERY not-so-good. I can't go into the whole mess here, but the thumbnail sketch that through a variety of things (including what appears to be some inappropriate collusion between two parties), David and Lydia lost custody of the girls. They were made wards of the court, and are now in foster care- specifically in the care of David's mom. We had to turn the girls over one Christmas day, from the hospital. They have not yet even been to their home.

I cannot express how heartsick the kids and I are about this. But after the initial shock and numbness, I've found myself dealing with some serious anger. Angry at the situation and the things that contributed to it. Angry at several people who I felt were very unfair. Angry at the two who I feel are playing dirty.

I don't like feeling angry- it makes me very uncomfortable. And I certainly don't think of myself as a violent person, yet I find myself wanting to strike out. I'm very protective of my friends and family, and here's something so devastating, that strikes at the very heart of my immediate family. I've joked about 'opening up a can of Molly Weasley Whup-Ass', and 'reaching for my can opener'... but it is only partly a joke.

I don't know how to deal with anger. I've spent most of my life suppressing it, feeling like I can't express it, until I explode- sometimes on the person who deserves it, but frequently not. At 46, I still don't know how to deal with anger in a healthy way. And I don't have the faintest idea how to change that.

It's the sort of thing that one would think can't be settled through one's faith. That presents me with some problems. I've been attending an Episcopal parish near home since May. I started going because James is so active in the ECUSA- I figure I'd better get used to it and feel more comfortable in church, or it will cause problems between us. I am feeling more comfortable- for years I could not stand being in church, the memories were so negative. But the services are different enough that I only occasionally have to grip the pew because the urge to bolt for the door is welling up.

The problem is, I'm still feeling... wobbly on issues of faith. I'm teetering on the edge of a militant agnosticism ('I don't know, and you don't either'), and as I sit during the prayers of the people and confession, I don't know if anyone hears me, or cares, or if saying 'I'm angry, and I feel it's wrong, and I want to stop, but I need help' is what I should say. I mean, I've always thought that true repentance requires an intention to stop doing whatever it is that you're repenting of. And I'm not sure that's what I'm doing. Especially when I'm angry at someone who is not likely to stop what they're doing, and probably intends to continue pissing me off. How do I forgive someone who knowingly hurts me and my loved ones?

So that is what I'm grappling with- me and my stomach lining against my anger. Here's to hoping I can resolve this soon. In the meantime, if anyone has any ideas for me, drop a line in the comments, or email me (address is in left column). I'd appreciate the input.


Bonne said...

I must think. I react like you and I guess I'm lucky that I didn't even know the worst my own history until 20 years on when the newly revealed details truly didn't matter to me (except in how it affects my daughters , whose opinion of their dad was already quite low).

But, yeah. Burying. Or rethinking the situation til it's not worth the mad, and frustrating those who think I should be. And who may be right. Need a better system.

ttownbarb said...

I too have your problem with what to do when I find I am that angry..........doesn't happen very often.........but when I do blow gets scary. Then I am over the fuming, and get on with my life. I then fix/ignore/confront the situation and deal with it. I can honestly say in my adult life I have been angry enough to 'blow up' about half a dozen times. Scared the bejezus out of my boss the last time in Wichita.........and I haven't lived there for 12 years. So not a common occurence for me. Laura, sweetie, you need a woodpile to chop for firewood.......that would be a constructive way to deal with anger...... :-)

Liutgard of Luxeuil said...

This is just so... overwhelming. And veering at times to flat-out hatred. Another thing I'm not 'supposed' to do. Don't know how I'm going to get through this.